Green Mile
10-18-2007, 07:36 PM
Joke 1
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as
part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office
and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,
"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my
right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then
with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it
between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
Joke 2
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
4. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
7. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
Joke 3
hought this approch might be good for laughing off a few pounds.
>
>
>
>I have a large dog, and was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart
>and was in line to check out. The woman behind me asked if I had a
>dog? Duh? On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet
>again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the
>hospital the last time. But I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in
>an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices
>and IVs in both arms.
>
>I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
>it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
>simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
>nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to
>mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled
>with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her.
>
>Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
>food poisoned me? I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street
>licking my ass and a car hit me.
>
>I thought the guy standing behind her was going to need help as he
>staggered to the door laughing.
>
>Life is short. Break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love
>deeply, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made
>you smile.
Joke 4
A couple was invited to a masked costume Halloween party. The wife
got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party
alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said
she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his Batman
costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She put on a Goldilocks costume. So s he joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing
with every nice chick he could cuddle with and copping a little feel
here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a
rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally,
since he was her husband. After some more to drink he finally whispered a little pro position in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie in the back seat. Just before unmasking , she slipped away and went home and put her costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good
time when you're not there.' Then she asked, 'Di d you dance
much?' He replied, 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I
got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the
spare room a nd played poker all evening.'
'You must have looked really silly wearing that Batman costume
playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my Batman costume
to my Dad. Apparently he had a whale of a time. He told me he got
lucky with a hottie in a Goldilocks outfit'
Moral of the story: Don't try to sneak up on your man!!!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as
part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office
and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,
"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my
right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then
with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it
between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
Joke 2
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
4. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
7. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
Joke 3
hought this approch might be good for laughing off a few pounds.
>
>
>
>I have a large dog, and was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart
>and was in line to check out. The woman behind me asked if I had a
>dog? Duh? On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet
>again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the
>hospital the last time. But I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in
>an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices
>and IVs in both arms.
>
>I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
>it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
>simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
>nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to
>mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled
>with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her.
>
>Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
>food poisoned me? I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street
>licking my ass and a car hit me.
>
>I thought the guy standing behind her was going to need help as he
>staggered to the door laughing.
>
>Life is short. Break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love
>deeply, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made
>you smile.
Joke 4
A couple was invited to a masked costume Halloween party. The wife
got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party
alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said
she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his Batman
costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She put on a Goldilocks costume. So s he joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing
with every nice chick he could cuddle with and copping a little feel
here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a
rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally,
since he was her husband. After some more to drink he finally whispered a little pro position in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie in the back seat. Just before unmasking , she slipped away and went home and put her costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good
time when you're not there.' Then she asked, 'Di d you dance
much?' He replied, 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I
got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the
spare room a nd played poker all evening.'
'You must have looked really silly wearing that Batman costume
playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm.
To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my Batman costume
to my Dad. Apparently he had a whale of a time. He told me he got
lucky with a hottie in a Goldilocks outfit'
Moral of the story: Don't try to sneak up on your man!!!